the mirror

I look at my face in the mirror

and  I see a stranger there.

Who is that? That everybody else seems to recognize?

It isn’t me.

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That fat, skinny, old, sick, image I see staring back  is NOT ME!

I refuse to look! Anymore! I avoid the mirror.

And, I avoid any reference to my outward appearance.

Because it is NOT ME!!!

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I try to make myself look “good.”

Wow, that’s a loaded task.

“Attractive”  is a loaded concept.

Loaded up by cultures, media, parents, others expectations.

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I imagine how others would see me as I fuss with my hair, my clothes, my face.

There. Now, I look my best.

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But even best isn’t enough.

Because it’s  not  ME!

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Even if I saw everything in that mirror

 that my culture says is beautiful, good, worthy,

staring back at me, it is NOT ME!

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I look at “you” and think I see you,

but if I can’t see ME when I look into that mirror,

how on earth do I think that I can I see YOU?

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How dare I think  judgments about you!

“Wow, you are fat!”

 “You are so old!”

 “You are unpleasant because you look_____ yadayadayada.”

 Judgments of YOU that I refuse to make of myself any longer.

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“THAT IS NOT ME !” I scream with all my being as I look into that mirror.

 And as I look into your face, I must say too,

If this is not me, how can I say THAT IS YOU??????

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